Single gay: When Things Get Tiresome...

A couple of months ago, some people moved into the house across the street from mine. Nice folks, actually.

About three weeks ago, they had company. The wife's nephew was coming for a visit--a Christmas visit. His Guard unit had been involuntarily re-deployed to Iraq. This was the second involuntary re-deployment for his unit, and for him it would be his third tour. I met him, and we had a nice talk for a couple of hours while the folks were preparing "Christmas" dinner.

Daniel, 25, was killed this Monday in Iraq. I found out when the folks came over to ask me to officiate at his funeral service.

I would like to be able to explain my emotions somewhere, in a way that would just make some sense. Daniel was a college student, a son, a Nephew, a husband, and a Dad.

He went because he was called. I can say this with no fear of successful contradiction, because it was a lot of what we discussed. Soldier to soldier, we fully understood the situation. He did not return happily. And, to be honest he did not return as willingly this time. He had only been on duty for two days when an IED blew him off a Hummer, into several different pieces, and into several different directions.

Why do I say that?

Because, my beloved brothers, as too many of us know, that IS the reality. His final conversation with me was the "what if" conversation. He had a solid faith, which was a joy to share. He had zero faith in his government. He had total faith in his Commander, and in his fellow soldiers, his "Buddies". That is one of the most powerful motivations for a soldier to return to a combat area, you know. "They are over there, doing the deal, and I am over here, doing nothing about it." Guilt, survivor's anxiety, the whole thing.

Today, I serve a grieving family. I serve as the friend of the soldier, as a friend to a soldier's family. I do so proudly.

I also do so with a great personal sadness. I guess that for some this would purely reek of that "Bleeding Heart" Liberal nature of mine. Others of you would refer to this as my moderate conservative leanings getting the better of me.

As I write this, I am awaiting a phone call that will tell me when Daniel's body will arrive here, so that the last battle will be fought, and won for him. It is 0333 and I am trying to make sense of my feelings.

What argument will convince me? What logic will support this? The soldier's heart within me has all the answers to the valiant's defense. The Pastor's heart within me has the words that will fall short of the comfort I would so surely wish to give the family. Both will be heard, and seen and known.

But, you see, my Commander sees this, and more than the tears of this soldier's family, which I have seen, and more than my tears, which I shed unashamedly, I cannot help but focus on the tears which I see on His face. In my heart, I know for a certainty that Daniel is resting in His arms.

But, as the Commander of the Heavenly Host holds Daniel securely in His arms, the look that I see on His face is one of pain, and shock. The tears which flow from His eyes are just as real as those of the many who cry with Him.

This is not a reality of life, or of war. This is the FINAL reality of life, and of war. And, in all the discussions, and arguments, and debates, and strategies, and campaigns both political and military, this IS the final battle.

This need never have happened. This is a quiet time in the night. Yet the words just keep screaming into my head. This, THIS need not have happened. There is no doubt in my mind, or in my heart, that Daniel's valor has no equal. It is completely "valid". So is the pain and anguish of those who loved him, and (like me) only knew him. I have no issue there. I am, after all, a soldier. The old saying is "It doesn't matter when you retire; you never leave!" It is true.

But, I must be honest here, if nowhere else.

I see no honor here. There is no face to hate, or fear, or fight. There is no legitimate cause, upon Daniel's life weighed in the balance. This war is not an honorable campaign. Honorable men and women fight it, and die for it.

This is a war of lies. For those of you, my beloved, who genuinely disagree with me on this, please understand that I do not disrespect you, or your opinions here. I am, however, clearly stating my own.

The rules of logic tell me that a thing can only be true if, and only if, there is no single point at which it is false; otherwise it must necessarily be false, no matter how much truth is contained within it.

There are many of us around this place that can speak to you younger pups for days about how the reality of a war of lies is fought. What you read about as history is, for many of us, recent current events. We know how it feels, and walks, and smells. We know how it tastes, and how it talks, and how it lies.

And, like no small number of you, I too was there when it began, standing in the sand, waiting for word to "jump off". It was a lie then. It is a lie now.

There are too many Daniels. Honorable soldiers who, for no reason other than the call, go. Their honor is not lessened. It is exalted. But they go to fight in a war that is a lie. There is just simply no other way to call it, but what it is. To call it otherwise, or not to call it at all would surely dishonor this valiant soldier.

This is MY heart on the matter. There is no place on this Earth for my heart's truth now, save this little piece of electronic space. So I take it, and I use it. Would I be ashamed if Daniel's family were somehow to see this entry? Absolutely not. Would I feel shame if my comrades, or my commanders were to somehow read this? Absolutely not, and especially not these people. For, unlike many who may read these words and feel anger, those people are the very ones who have the right to evaluate my words. It is they who, side by side, have fought with me and in many cases brought me safe from harm. I believe I honor each of them with the truth-not as the truth is, but the truth as I know it. And, my brothers, if truth is not worth fighting for, it surely is not worth dying for. How much so, then is it to die for a lie?

This war is a lie. And, that is just the simple truth.

And, the only way I can truly honor this fallen hero, if not tell it, is to at least honestly admit it to myself, here. And, so I do.

You see, in reality, that IS life in the closet. You may reel against those words, and say it is my choice. IS it? I think not. Unless you are speaking of my choice to rightly honor a fallen soldier, preserve the peace of his grieving family, and honor his life, and death in a memorial fit for a hero. Then, yes, it very much IS my personal choice. Sometimes, that's how choices are made in real life. Any parent knows this.

I am not in the Closet by choice, my friends. Nor, is the "condition", by which our mostly misundertanding fellow citizens compel me to be in the closet, my choice.

I have been compelled into the Closet in order to fulfill a greater good. My boss has never not seen me there, and has never looked into my eyes with sadness or shame. He completely understands the battle we wage day by day. Like Daniel, He looks into my heart, and sees Himself. Daniel has taken his rest, and we are still fighting the lies.

And, rest assured, fight on I will. I am, after all, a soldier. Not in spite of the Daniels who are dying in such amazing frequency by any means, but rather because of them, and for them.

I must, however, be honest with you. It truly DOES get tiresome. A dear friend imprinted a saying on my soul many years ago when he told me:
"You only get older when you get wrinkles on your heart."

I got a little older these past few days. I wonder how old ya have to get before you graduate?

Man, it just does get tiresome.

Good luck on your journey.

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